I had one of those awful parenting moments today. Doodle was playing with some old toys that had been mine. I was telling him about my Dad and how every payday we would go to Quonset Hut Pizza in Waukegan Illinois. We didn't have enough money for many treats but every two weeks we would go and have pizza and on the way out I would get to choose one Matchbox car. I still have them all in a big case. I got them out today and we were playing with them and with the 1975 version of Matchbox city. I looked away to do something stupid and Doodle leaned on the case and broke it. I should have seen it coming, I should have just let it go. But I didn't I yelled, and yelled. And then I cried. It had nothing to do with poor Doodle, but he certainly took the brunt of it.
Later on I apologised for yelling, I tried to tell him I was sad about the toy and sad about my Dad and sorry that I took all that out on him. He looked at me and very calmly said, " It's ok Mama, no harm done." Then after I started crying AGAIN. He said," I love you too Mama." He's such a sweet boy, he tells me he loves me daily, but this time he just seemed so much older, like he really knew what he was saying. The light coming from his eyes was so much more grown up.
My Dad was killed when I was a teenager. We had a fairly standard relationship for a teenage girl and her Dad. He didn't understand me and I didn't understand him. I am sorry that we never had a chance to know each other as equals. I'm sorry he never got a chance to meet the boys, but I am glad he left me with stories and toys to share.
7 comments:
Oh sure, make me bawl.
Happy Mother's Day sweetie. You have a couple of sweet boys on your hands...good job.
Ah, why DO we have to take it out on them? I wonder if the mamas who really have it together manage not to yell when that thing gets broken; manage not to imbue objects with so many memories and emotions. I hope I will learn that lesson some day. In the mean time, it's a good thing our sweet little ones can take care of us when we need it, huh?
OK. Very hard experience to have, but if all experiences are easy, do we grow? I think Moms being human and struggling with issues in front of their children is a very, very good thing. Where will a child learn how to make mistakes, recover, apologize, figure out that they have inadvertently hurt someone's feeling if not at home?
Does anyone really want their child to go out into the world having never had a problem? Would that child be able to succeed in life?
Moms Everywhere: give yourselves a break. You're human like everyone else and you're supposed to make mistakes and have problems.
Hm, good point, Seumas. When I do things like that, I feel like I'm teaching my kids to have tantrums, but then, I guess they have to learn how to recover from tantrums, too.
Thank you for sharing C. Hope you otherwise had a happy Mothers Day!
I'm so sorry you had such a rough day. It's ok to lose it...and you were an absolutely wonderful parent because you apologized and explained. Kids really do understand!
My father died when I was a teen as well and I often lament all that we missed sharing....particularly that he never saw me evolve into a fully realized human and never got to meet my children.
You're funny here too...even in your mothering guilt and my advice is to get over that. As someone said, you explained and apologized - that's what matters.
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