April.

I wonder when we will stop being afraid of April.  Coming up on a the one year anniversary of my brain surgery I have noticed that folks around here are a little anxious.   Doodle has started worrying about a return of the medical issues that affected him last year.  I have felt a little more sensitive about possible recurrence of symptoms. Which after all might be age related and not tumor related. My Mother died April in 2005, so this month has recently felt a little sharp edged anyway. It's  a curious thing.  I am not a big follower of dates, I rarely remember small anniversaries.  I just don't mark time that way.  But April, right here on the cusp of Spring seems fraught with the possibility of tragedy.  Even as all those green things start up out of the ground and the earth warms up under my hands.  Even with showers and wind and sun.  Even with all the easily identified sighs of new life, eggs and bunnies  and longer days.  There is still an edge for me.

This April I am not staring down a scary surgery, I am not watching Doodle struggle hard against his own immune system.  I am not looking  hard into the eyes of my loved ones and wondering if I will still know who they are in few weeks. I am mourning my Mother again, and still.  And the loss of two good friends who did not make it out of April last year. I am still a little afraid of April and all it brings. At some point is will be just another month, noted for rainstorms and tulips and birthdays. Not tragedies and near misses. Someday.