The Lucky One.

 I received news this week that a friend who had a similar surgery for a much nastier tumor is not doing well.  In short, the surgery and treatment that rid  her of the tumor damaged her brain in such a way that she will likely need permanent 24/7 care for the rest of her life.  The tumor won't kill her now, but the treatment might.  She is in the care of a big deal neurosurgeon in a renowned research hospital.  She has had the best care, the most supportive family, the highest faith. But luck or fate or whatever, was not in her favour. Initially, her surgery went well but she was plagued by seizures and mental health issues due to the drugs she was taking.  The drugs that shrank and eventually killed off the remaining tumor markers also damaged very important parts of her brain.  The brain is insanely plastic and can reroute and reengineer all kids of things, but not everything.  Not the most important things. Personality, memory, love.  We can’t retrieve those when they are lost.

 I got lucky. I had a totally operable, benign brain tumor.  The resultant surgery left me with very few deficits.  Those that remain are mild and very likely not permanent. My scars are completely hidden by my hair and baring a couple more scans and procedures I am done with this.  The possibility of re-growth is there, but it is slim. None of the terrible consequences of my particular surgery came to pass.  My language center, taste, smell, memory, personality, and love.  All of those things are intact and functioning much as they always have. To say I was simply lucky is an understatement of epic proportions, but it’s all I have.  A very skilled surgeon and highly cohesive and well trained team certainly contributed to the lions share of my recovery. Along with the tsunami of help and support we have received from friends far and near.  And the light of so much love aimed our way.

While sorting through Doodle's end of year pile of papers I found this little paragraph that he wrote when he returned to school after my surgery.  I had surgery the first week of his Spring break. So his "What did you do over Spring Break" material was a little different than his classmates.
In case you re not fluent in "nine year old left handed boy handwriting" I will translate.

"Monday.  I woke up and ran to the living room. I yelled, " nooooooooeee" In my mind. ( A.K.A my Mom was going to have brain surgery ( tumer) and everyday I get open a little brown paper bag, with a Star Trek figure in it.  They are surprise figures. Today I got Data. The tumer was bnigne and the got it all ! :) 
  So bye!"

 Given the sadness that was soon to engulf the family of one of his classmates, he too got lucky.  His Mama only had a brain tumor.  A relatively simple, relatively easy brain tumor.  Lucky.


Comparative suffering is never helpful.  But comparative luck?  Maddening.  I am not particularly clean living, I eat well and when I want.  I don’t have a finely detailed plan for exercise and nutrition.  I pretty much do as I please, and yet.  Not me.  Not this time. Luck?  Divine providence?   The protection of powerful ancestors?  I don’t know. I have a fair amount of what might be called survivors guilt because this has all gone so well, so far. I am trying my best to give back some of the tremendous love and grace and help that was given to us.  I may never manage to balance the scales that way, but I will continue to try.

I wish there were answers, I wish there was someway to know, why me? Not you. Why not me?  But, I guess that is kind of the point.  If we knew, then what?  Would you change it if you could? Would I?  I don’t know.